The Lives We Take
by Tyloric
Summary: Slash- Spy/Engineer- Your hands are stained red. You killed a man. You're a murderer. Monster.
1. The Beginning

He stared at the body for a few brief moments; blood dripping from his knife. The RED Spy lay at his feet, his suite cut to shreds, a stab wound to his heart staining the white shirt underneath a stomach churning crimson.

BLU Spy stared down at the corpse, whom just moments ago was trying to kill him. The his right hand began to tremble as the adrenaline in his body thinned.

His mind was racing; he actually killed him. He had killed a man on his first day in the Fortress.

…[i]Killed.[/i]

---

BLU Spy sat at the foot of his bed staring at his feet, trying to find a reason why he was so upset. This was a war; he was expected to kill people, so he had. He had killed RED Spy in self defense; kill or be killed. So why was he so upset?

He pulled his mask from off his head and tossed it across the room. Reaching into his left pocket he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, sliding one between his lips. He flicked the lighter from his right pocket and inhaled deeply; sweet bliss.

He looked at the mirror above his dresser; staring at the face he saw. He saw a man with short brown hair, green eyes and a five o'clock shadow. He looked tired and distressed; something weighing on his conscience. He was guilty of murder, that's what it was.

A murderer.

A knock at his door broke his chain on thought, "What?" he called out, irritated.

It was engineer who opened the door, his voice coming out with a smooth Texan drawl , "Spy, get yer ass out here. It's supper time."

He sighed but offered a weak smile, "I'll be right there."

Engie raise an eyebrow, "You okay? You look like hell."

Spy shook his head, waving it off, "I'll be alright. Just a long day."

He ran his knuckles across the stubs of his beard, "Who're you tellin'? Now come eat."

Spy breathe in deeply, getting to his feet. The ground seemed to wobble for a moment before he steadied himself, "Alright."

Engineer walked off, leaving the door open. The BLU Spy stashed his knife in his top drawer, pausing moment to stare at the blood stain he has forgot to clean off, before heading off to join the rest of the team.

---

He pushed the peas around on his plate; the one vegetable he couldn't stand. Though, you wouldn't have known by looking at him. He hadn't eaten a thing and had only sipped at his water. His appetite just wasn't with him tonight.

"What iz zeh matter, Spah? You've hardly touched your food." Medic's German tongue cut through his thoughts; he was not someone you wanted to ignore. Not out of fear, just because he always knows what he's talking about.

Spy fumbled for words, "I'm just… not very hungry tonight."

"Zats not good. Not at all. You needz to keep your strength up. It iz war, after all." He nodded matter-of-factly in Spy's direction.

He just looked down at his plate worriedly, "Yeah... War..."

Engineer spoke next, "So, how was your first day, eh?"

He wasn't sure how to answer. 'Fine' was a generic response to give; not a lot of detail and it wouldn't necessarily be lying but it wouldn't exactly be telling the truth either. He could spill the beans, tell them exactly how he felt. But that felt like it would be going to far, especially his first day in the fortress. What should he do?

"It was…" he started, trying to hide the reluctance in his voice, "it was interesting." Should he tell them about the RED Spy? Should he tell them he killed a man? He wasn't sure.

But, it was like Medic said, this is war, "I sorta…" he paused a moment, forcing the words out of his mouth, "[i]killed[/i]… someone today. Their Spy."

The room fell eerily silent. Scout, whom he hadn't noticed was at the table, had a mouth full of meat loaf fall back on his plate. The Demoman set down his bottle of liquor, Medic, Engineer, Heavy, suddenly all eyes were on him. Even Pyro had set his mask aside to gaze at him intently.

Had he actually done something wrong, kill that RED Spy?

Medic spoke first, his words were careful, "You… killed zee RED Spah?"

It was too late to back out now, "Yeah… right before the cease fire."

A huge smile spread across the Engineers face, clapping his hands together gleefully, "That's excellent! Great job!"

Great…job? The Scout seemed to agree, "Holy shit, bro. You killed him? You killed RED Spy? No ones ever been able to touch him before!"

Spy became uncomfortable, unsure of how to react, "They haven't?"

"No, dude! He's killed five of us since that bastard signed on to RED. And you… on your first… wow." Scout leaned back in his chair, seemingly overwhelmed.

Spy was overwhelmed too, but for different reasons. He suddenly felt conflicting emotions: misery and guilt fogged his mind, while pride that he might have done something right clashed with the rest of him. He felt out of place, "It really more of a fluke to be honest…"

"But you still got him! Fuckin' a!" Scout bounced in his chair.

Pyro's voice made him jump, "How did you do it." He had an eyebrow raised. Spy took note of how blue his eyes were.

"I… stabbed him." This is wrong, he thought. It feels like telling them is wrong. He wondered just what kind of world he had stumbled into.

Pyro's eyes narrowed, though, speculating, "[i]Stabbed[/i] him? Just like that."

No, not just like that. Of course there was back story behind it, "Just like that." Great, now he was a liar.

But the man simply shrugged and retrieved his mask, leaving the table. He headed down the hallway and out of sight.

Deciding that it was probably better to leave before he had a complete and utter meltdown, he excused himself, "Look, it's been a long day. I'm… just going to go to bed." He looked to Medic, "Thanks for the food, even if I didn't eat much of it." He hurried from the table to his room, not waiting for anyone to respond.

---


	2. The End

He couldn't sleep. He was completely and utterly exhausted, but he just couldn't find rest. His mind was wandering.

He thought he knew what it would be like to be out here. He knew he would have to kill, if not sooner later. Everyone kills. Even Medic has killed. War is killing. No one hid it, on the contrary, it was all anyone talked about. I guess when you're here it's the only thing you can talk about, he thought morbidly.

Everyone had cheered for him when they learned he had killed RED Spy, on his first day no less. They celebrated killing here.

But he couldn't get over the feeling of uneasiness; any time he tried to justify it in his head he just couldn't. He had killed someone; murdered him. How can you justify killing anyone, for what ever reason?

A tapping at his door broke his chain of thought. "Come in." he called, clicking on the lamp that he kept on the end table next to the bed.

Engineer stepped in, closing the door behind him. He had changed clothes since dinner. His helmet and goggles were gone giving BLU Spy his first look at Engie's eyes. They were a soothing green, almost emerald color. He had shaggy brown hair that looked like it hadn't been combed in quite a few weeks. He sported a wife beater shirt which showed off his toned arms and pecs nicely, a scruff of chest hair visible above it. For pants all he had on were boxers… just boxers. Spy had to breathe in very deeply to keep from blushing.

"Hey," he said casually.

It took him a moment to find his voice again. "H…hi. What's up?"

"Just wanted ta check on ya'," he said. Spy was finding it difficult not to get lose in that accent, it was like mu- Snap out it! He yelled at himself inwardly, "You kinda freaked out durnin' supper."

"Yeah… I guess I did…" He got out from under the covers, resting his feet on the cool floor. He wished they had carpet.

Engie crossed his arms, biceps flexing accordingly. Spy found it hard not to look at them, "Somethin' you might wanna talk about?"

His first instinct was to lie, no need to show anyone that he was having doubts about being here. After all, he had signed himself up. But then again, Engineer had come to him. "It's just…"

"Just…?"

He took another breath, inhaling as much as his lungs would allow. "It's just that I had never killed anyone before." When Engie didn't say anything he continued, "And everyone is talking about it like I've done some sort of great thing; like it was good that I killed him. I get that this is a war and everything, but it doesn't feel like I did the right thing. It feels like a killed a man, killed him." He felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest, to have said it out loud.

Engie's expression didn't change though, he just stood there, staring into the BLU Spy's eyes for a few minutes. After a while he made his way over to the bed and sat down next to him, groaning. "Sucks." He ran his knuckles across the scruff of his beard.

Spy huffed. "Yeah. It does,"

"The first time I killed a guy…" he started, but hesitated a moment before continuing, "He was a RED Scout. Son of a bitch ran right into three of the turrets I'd set up; didn't even see it coming. Didn't scream or nothin'. One moment he was there, the next he was gone."

Spy listened on intently, unable to escape the Texan's voice. "What'd you do?"

"I beat myself up for a while. I kept remindin' muhself it was muh job, but it didn't help. But, eventually, I got used to it. You have to if you're going to survive here; kill or be killed. It's fuckin' bull shit but it's true. War is nasty business."

Spy sighed, resting his elbows against his knees, staring down at his feet, "I don't know if I'm cut out for this."

Engineer laughed. "Ha! Well it's late now, eh?" He rapped an arm around the masked mans shoulders, squeezing tightly.

He almost melted at the muscular mans touch; it was firm but reassuring. His fingers felt like they were burning his skin. "How do you…" he started but stopped.

"How do I what?"

"Do you ever get used to all of the blood? It just… doesn't feel like it's washing off." He gazed at the palms of his hands sorrowfully.

"'Fraid not. Once your hands 'er stained they're stained. All you can do is hide them stains." The big Texas man sighed.

He decided to test how far he could push it with the Engineer, and rested his head on his shoulder. Imagine his surprise when the mans grip around him tightened, even better he felt his head rest atop his. He smiled to himself, if only for a moment.

"I don't know if I'll be able too, if I'm put in that situation again. I don't know if I'll be able to kill someone else."

"I thought that too," Engie stated, "but I did, and I still do. I don't like it any more than you do, but it's what must be done."

It's what must be done…

He didn't say anything else for a while. Deep down he knew that Engie was right, but he still didn't like it. So, he just sat there, the other mans arm rapped protectively around him. It was nice, almost surreal. He hasn't felt this at is for quite a while, even before getting here.

He didn't want it to end. "Can I ask you a favor?" The Spy's voice came out shakily, more uncertain than he had meant for it to sound.

"What'd that be?" Egnie's voice replied in a low, even tone.

Gathering his courage and forcing his uncertainty to the pit of his stomach, he forced his request out of his lips. "Would you… would you stay here tonight?"

The Engineer inhaled sharply, and for the briefest of moments Spy was afraid he had crossed the line until. "Sure." He said.

They lay down in the bed together, Spy's back to Engie's chest, an arm draped over the masked mans waist. It didn't take long for the BLU Spy to drift off to sleep.


End file.
